“Yes, Virginia, There is a Christmas Doctor Who Liveblog”

“Yes, Virginia, There is a Christmas Doctor Who Liveblog”

Doctor Who: Season 9 Episode 13 (AKA Christmas Special) Liveblog

Doctor Who, Series 9 Episode 12 of 13

By the Tripwire LiveBlog Team

♦ Yes, God help us, we will be here at 5.15 to watch this with you: will it be the end for Capaldi, as some have rumoured? Do we care? Is Clara still zooming around the galaxy in a sapphic relationship with Me? Perhaps Jane Austen has joined them. Perhaps not…

Tonight’s LiveBlog is here: Below Kingston and Capaldi introduce the special, while we LiveBlog the Christmas Top of the Pops for shits and giggles.

Currently, it’s Hozier, who needs a wash and a song that doesn’t sound like an Elton John outtake.  People died in the punk wars for this crap?

Now it’s angelic dole-scum band Years and Years with David Baddiel and Dave Grohl on backing instruments. Can it be long until Fearne Cotton uses the term ‘the mighty’?

Now some scruffy fucker is singing “If feminism is about equality, why can’t I punch women?” Apparently his name is  Jamie Lawson. He knows Ed Sheeran. I feel a Jihad comin’ on.

Justin Bieber next. He’s stolen a lesbian’s dress. Into Teegan and Sarah these days apparently. Singing about artisanal beer and smoking a pipe. I hadn’t realised that he was so on-trend.

Hozier is back on only he’s had a shave and is calling himself James Bay. He wants to drown himself in a river – or he’s a big River Song fan Or he likes Joan Rivers, which explains why he declaims this song a syllable at a time. Joan’s dead, you see, and he’s trying to pierce the veil of mortality. I like the fact he’s got a really old guitar – it shows how authentic he is. His bass player has a worn out instrument – you’d think playing in two bands he could afford a new one.

Now we’ve got autistic Arthur Daley on. Apparently it’s Nick Jonas. He sucks. And is a misogynist. And bases his wardrobe on Minder. ‘Nuff said. Must we fling this filth at our pop kids?

Omi is on singing “My masculinity is too fragile to survive without some woman to prop it up.” Plus ridiculously jigging women. I think he reps his magic penis at some point in this. Either that or it’s a deconstruction of post-industrial capitalism. What a tragic song. I weep. Reggie Yates claims it brings a ‘touch of summertime’ to winter, but I think propping up the male ego is all-year-round, not just for Christmas.

And as if to prove my point, here’s little Ellie Goulding singing her song from popular Twilight-fan-fiction gone horribly wrong 50 Shades of Grey. Self-abasement is the new black you know. Ellie sings it with the vim you’d expect from a soulless automaton whose job is counting her cash.

It’s round-up time. It’s all awful without exception. Especially Drake singing over a Casio keyboard preset. Adele in a wind tunnel. “Wow, what a year it’s been,” declaims Reggie Yates, with no hint of irony. Then he introduces Coldplay.

————————————————– Coldplay Break ——————————————————

Look there’s no reason to ever discuss them again is there? Were good/great (depending on your POV) are now, well, disappointing at best. They’re like Hoover or Kit Kat – a brand name, but little to do with music. If you like them (or hate them) insert your own comments, because I can’t be arsed.

————————————————- Coldplay Break ——————————————————

Five number ones to her credit, it’s Jess Glynne. I’m feeling that ‘credit’ might not be the right word here.

Why does so much of this stuff sound the same? And why (in this context) is ‘the same’ basically 90s dance music? If I never heard that piano preset again I’d be a very happy person.  Anyway Jess is ‘Ready for This’. She should get together with Omi and start a support group.

Reggie hopes we enjoyed it as much as them. That depends on how much their enjoyment was like a cup of cold sick I guess.

Christmas number one time: NHS Choir singing Bridge Over Troubled Water etc. I have to confess an interest here, as I downloaded it twice yesterday to help propel it to number one. If the charts have to be shite, at least the NHS, an organization I have good reason to feel grateful to this Christmas (my loved one having just exited hospital on the day before Christmas Eve) can make some bunce out of it. Astonishingly they do a better Coldplay than Coldplay can these days.

And that’s it. Grinning imbeciles Fearne and Reggie mumble nonsense. They record the New Years Day TOTP at the same time, so check back in a week to see if Fearne and Reggie swap clothes and strike a blow for gender freedom. Meanwhile, here’s Capaldi and Kingston…

 

 

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